I grew up in a family of five children on Long Island, New York. You’d think I’d feel part of a tribe, happy surrounded by brothers and sisters. But as the oldest daughter, with two younger sisters and two brothers who shared rooms, I often felt lonely in our Brady Bunch kind of family.
It made the most sense that I’d have my own room, yet at least one of my sisters, jealous as can be, thought I was the princess in the family. Yet, what she didn’t know was how isolated I felt, shoved off to my bedroom island far away from my family. It didn’t help that for a while my childhood bedroom was an attic in-progress of renovation.
My favorite childhood memory is of our regular Sunday night gatherings watching The Wonderful World of Disney, each of us snuggled in our flannel pajamas, the fireplace flaming with warmth. I loved these evenings, mostly that we were together. Yet, after the show ended, we’d go brush our teeth and head off to bed, my two brothers to their bedroom, my parents to their room, and my sisters to their bedroom upstairs. Noah’s Arc and the song Rise and Shine comes to mind:
The animals, they came on, they came on by twosies, twosies.
The animals, they came on, they came on by twosies, twosies.
Elephants and (clap once) kangaroosies, roosies.
Children of the Lord.
God’s plan for us was surely meant for togetherness.
I’d follow my sisters upstairs, but then I’d head alone into to my half finished attic bedroom where I’d lay awake in bed for what seemed like hours, staring above at the pink letters of the manufacturers’ logo on the insulation, it’s pink fuzz hanging from corners within the ceiling’s wood frame, my aloneness shouting loud. It was the kind of loneliness of a lost child in a thick forest, towering trees spread for miles ahead, behind, to the left, and right. Only my prayers comforted me to sleep each night, giving me the sweet taste of God transforming my childhood loneliness into solitude, and offering a comforting night sleep.
Many girls dream of having their own room, and by the time I became a teenager we had moved to a new house, I loved having my own room, specially when grandma made me an exquisite lavender checkered bedspread, with a mint green dust ruffle, and matching drapes and a curtain for my vanity — on top, my plastic statue of the Virgin Mary.
Yet, when tragedy stole my mother away, mental illness and alcoholism ravaging our lives, loneliness painted dark shadows in my lavender-mint green room. For solace, I played Neil Young on the record player, his words etched in black vinyl, circling round and round – “I saw the needle and the damage done..” which twisted around my abandonment, helping make sense of my intangible, spiraling despair, of the damage raging through our Wonderful World of Disney home. In the morning when I woke to get ready for school, I’d put Carole King on the record player, her words helping me out of bed to get to school as I pulled up my bell bottoms, pasting a smile on my face… “I got to get up every morning with a smile on my face and show the world all the love in my heart”.
I didn’t know then what I know now, that I could cry out to God for help and God would hear, “Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress!”
I didn’t know then, what I know now, that God is always near the brokenhearted and will help those crushed in spirit.
I didn’t know that though a father and mother can forsake us, that God will receive us.
I didn’t know we are assured that we are never alone. That God will bring others to comfort us.
I didn’t know then that Jesus would send The Holy Spirit, the great Counselor.
He will give you another helper who will be with you forever. -John 14:16
My mother is long gone, as well as my grief. I’ve been blessed with a new mother, my mother-in-law, who is also a friend and great joy in my life. I’ve been blessed with a new family of my own, my soul mate, and my dear son. I’ve been blessed with dear friends, and restored relationships with my sisters and brothers — who also wear their battle scars well. They’ve had their share of loneliness and now have beautiful families of their own.
I’ve learned that God meets us in our hardships and uses us because of them. In this way I’ve been greatly blessed.
Loneliness comes and goes to this day, yet long ago I learned that God can turn loneliness into solitude.
And I learned that God is a loving God, a God who heals, restores and gives us far more than we ever imagined.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.-Psalm 139:7-10
Do you feel alone in any areas of your life? Are you wanting new friendships? Are you lonely due to facing a loss of a loved one? At times do you feel alone in your marriage or relationship? Do you work alone and want co-workers or collaboration (I do!)?
Let us put our sights on God’s promises, knowing God will never leave or forsake us, knowing we can turn to God to heal our loneliness, restore relationships, to bring us new friendships, and to fill us with peace that surpasses all understanding.
Here are more scripture reflections on God’s plan for togetherness:
The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone..I will make a helper suitable for him.– Genesis 2:18
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
If two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? . – Ecclesiastes 9:11–12
God sets the lonely in families.- Psalm 68
The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. – 1 Timothy 5:5
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God is: to visit orphans and widows in their distress. – James 1:27
God helps us every time we have trouble. Then we are able to be strong and help other people every time they have trouble. We can do this with the same comfort that God gives us. – 2 Corinthian 1:3
We love your comments!
Hello,
I am so happy you found the Lord to give you love, acceptance and guidance. And a community of friends too. I am following you from #SmallWonder. I would love you to link to #WordofGodSpeak.
Blessings,
Janis
thank you Janis for your kind words and will look at the link you mention! Meant to before..Blessings!
Kathy, our lives seem so parallel….and the Neil Young plus Carole King references-that sealed it. I am also the oldest five (altho’ we grew up in So Cal, not NY) and I can relate to the isolation and abandonment. My mother and father were separated and my mother remarried, then died very young (55) from alcoholism. Thank God He adopts us!
God bless you!
Hi Jody, so nice to have you visit..I think being the oldest girl in a family of five sometimes brings a certain amount of isolation, mom and dad busy with so many others.. but the alcoholism of that era is so very common –it’s not talked about much. And how did we make it through..only God for sure! So glad you’ve been blessed, too. Thank you so much for sharing. We must be about the same age, too..Neil Young and Carole King!
Isn’t it amazing how we can assume that a child would enjoy something (having a room to herself!), but in reality, it might be quite the opposite. It reminds me to always keep communication open with those I love, regardless of their age. I’m sorry for all the grief you had to experience at such a young age. It would be difficult for anyone to sort through, but it sounds like you have. Many blessings to you, Kathy, on sharing these hard-won truths! I’m so grateful that we are never truly alone but always have the Spirit living in our hearts.
thank you Lisa..God meets us in our hardships and uses us because of them. In this way I’ve been greatly blessed! And we are all blessed to know God, and to know we’re never alone! Thanks so much for your kind words Lisa.. Always lovely to share with you!
Your Disney nights and bell bottom jeans made me smile and think of my own childhood :). I wonder how much aloneness and feely lonely has to do with one’s introvertism or extrovertism? (I’m not even sure if those are words 😉 ). I actually enjoy being alone. I like being around one or two people, and I have to mentally fortify myself to be out in social situations with lots of people (people wear me out, and since I’m a teacher, I feel like my people capacity has reached it’s limit by the time the dismissal bell rings 😉 ). Of course, from the time I was 13 or 14 I’ve know that I am NEVER alone. God is with me and has promised to never forsake or leave me :).
My Disney nights and bell bottoms were happy parts of my past! I do think as more of an introvert that I tend to isolate, so I can feel lonely if I don’t make sure I get ‘out there’..there’s a thin line between being alone and lonely! I also like small groups and get overwhelmed with too much activity! I do like being alone a great deal..but not the alone where my foot steps into the lonely zone. And of course that happens when God is not in the picture! I’m so happy to hear how you love being alone..it sounds like your faith makes that more possible! Thank you for visiting Anita!
We are more alike than I knew – I recognise much of myself in this, although nearly all the details are different. This post touched me so much. I’m glad God has set you in a family (Psalm 68 is one of my favourites).
Jennie, it’s a blessing when we can share our truths and pain..So many of us have gone through true hardships which we are blessed to use for good. I’m grateful for you sharing and blessed my story spoke to you so deeply. I just love connecting with you!
Oh Kathy… this resonates SO deeply with me, having struggled a traumatic history with my family while growing up too. I LOVE that Carol King song… Do you know that I wold BELT it out too?
I became a Christian when I was 16 years old- in the thick of it.
I cried out to God regularly. My alone ness was my solitude, my solace, and my sanctuary. I ‘ran away’ often- to a few hidden places around town: The beach, this little nook in the wooded park, and once to a far away place my bike frantically pedaled to when I was desperately shaken and raging with emotion. Did I tell you that story? I rode for miles and miles, terrified because I had NO idea where I was going. I just needed to get FAR AWAY. My usual escapes wouldn’t do it for me that day…
After all these years, I can vividly picture that place I found- it WAS a sanctuary. This beautiful park with gorgeous landscape I discovered somewhere, somehow. To this day, I still can’t find it again. <3
Thank you for once again, filling me with more encouragement to fuel my faith. I'm so grateful for you.
omygosh Chris. I have tears. I know your passionate and beautiful writing and your truth telling comes from the depth of these painful struggles..and I see even more now why we are soul sisters! Wow, you would BELT Carol King outloud!! She got us through!..How blessed you found God at 16..in the thick of it!! I wandered 40 years in the desert! And how beautiful you could turn to God..and found safe spots for comfort and to allow your real, raw emotions. The sanctuary spot seems like a place God put there at that time just for you. This is so beautiful! Your story about the bike ride..I know that feeling..where to go — where is home?? Bless you, Chris..you are so courageous and beautiful. You always touch me with your truth. You have truly blessed me today with your story. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Your story has the markings of a wonderful novel that would bring many young people to read and find your faith changing their lives. We all have a story that might be similar, but your’s has the earmarks of a progression of learning to look to God to change your life and bring hope and love into your empty and lonely life. Life is all about relating to one another and sharing our struggles and pain. When we look to the Lord for deliverance, joy and peace brings radical change and purpose into life. Thank you for sharing a part of your life. I’m so glad you’re in a good place to share how God has given you grace and love through His mercy and the promises of His Word.
Thank you so much Kathy for your encouraging comments! I have been working on a spiritual memoir that’s a bit on the back burner, but I hope at sometime to finish it..so thank you for inspiring me and validating it’s worth. You are so right..when we look to God we will expect radical change and such promises! So grateful for your visit today!
Hi Kathy! I can just see you, staring up at that pink insulation, wondering what the heck is going on…and feeling lonely. I really felt your sadness. I’m so sorry that you have memories like that, but maybe they can serve to show you how far you’ve come?
You have had a lot of hardship in your life, and you share it so humbly. What a tragedy about your mom. The fact that you can lean so heavily on the Lord is a real encouragement to me. His words are truth and light, and always for those who suffer the most. How tender Jesus was to His children in trouble. I can see that you were searching, and you have found Him!
(I am a Carole King fan myself!)
Blessings always,
Ceil
Thanks so much for visiting Ceil and for your kind words! It’s amazing how writing can unearth some of these memories..and
how healing it is to write. It’s also a beautiful thing to receive such compassion! Thank you! Blessings to you~
“God can turn loneliness into solitude.” I love this line. And thank you for being transparent and sharing your story. You painted vivid pictures that evoked the isolation you were feeling, especially in the attic. I can see that pink insulation dripping from the ceiling, raw, exposed, yet alone and not covered properly in care. God though, was definitely there in every part of your story.
thanks for visiting Lynn and for your comment! I’ve learned that sharing our pain opens the doors to others being able to do the same. And aren’t we blessed to know God is with us..Emmanuel..
“When your down and troubled and you need a helping hand,
just call out my name,
and I’ll be there….” I would then yell out: “Carol” as I listened to Carol King’s Tapestry album for the thousandth time. Kathy, thank you for triggering this poignant memory. Your feelings of loneliness in your room at night struck a deep cord. When my oldest son was a junior in high school, he confided in his dad and me that when he tried to fall asleep at night he was overwhelmed with intense loneliness and sadness. We were shocked. We thought our sons would love to have their own rooms because both my husband and I both shared bedrooms with siblings up until the later teen years. However, like you, my son did not understand at that time that “Jesus would send The Holy Spirit, the great Counselor.” He did not know that “He will give you another helper who will be with you forever. – John 14:16. Fortunately, my son found his soul mate his sophomore year in college and they were married a year and a half ago. It is a joy to witness their love for each other and their son. I still pray that my son will know the Holy Spirit will be with him always. He is a professed agnostic which makes me sad because I have had the great blessing of feeling graced with Divine Love as long as I can remember. Kathy, revealing your beautiful and challenging spiritual journey gives me hope that my son will also feel the touch of grace and not ever experience the intense loneliness and sadness he experienced in his high school years. Your humility and open heart are grand gifts that allow the Holy Spirit to radiate brightly and bring warmth to those blessed to be in your life circle.
How interesting Theresa that your son also felt alone..I think for some of us, the spiritual journey begins with loneliness, in
some ways it’s the voices crying out in the wilderness that lead us right into God’s arms. May your son be blessed with God’s grace, his marriage and family are surely a blessing. May he find God’s divine love in his life, and between the pauses in his marriage and fatherhood! Thank you for your beautiful comment, and always, for your encouragement!