I woke last Saturday morning to a wreckage in the living room, throw pillows spread all over the floor amongst shoes, backpacks, cell phones, an empty bag of potato chips, crumb filled plates, and two tall teenagers wrapped like two sleeping giants in sleeping bags on the floor. A shorter one, curled up like a baby wrapped in a blanket on the love seat, his head sinking into my freshly cleaned throw pillow, mouth wide open, took long deep-sleep breaths as a piercing ray of sunlight landed on his face. A tinge of motherly tenderness twisted like a tiny wire around my heart. I worried the light might wake him.
With dark mops of brown curly hair, the three pals look like brothers. If we refer to the Old Testament, in a way they are. One is Jewish, with parents from Tel Aviv who came to America to start a new life, the other, an American born Palestinian, his father a refugee who forged a life for himself in California after fleeing the war torn Middle East. On the other hand, my son, a quarter Jewish, knows only a little of his bloodline. His grandfather broke the Jewish lineage, when as a young dashing man, he married the 20-something blonde hair, blue-eyed beauty in his office, my son’s grandma. Yet, since he was expected to marry only a full-blooded Jewish woman, they waited until his own father died before they married.
Bleary-eyed, the disheveled threesome finally woke at 11 am. Clearing groggy throats, they folded blankets, rolled up sleeping bags, making their way to the kitchen table while I prepared homemade waffles one by one with our new waffle iron. This gave me ample time to enjoy the precious morning gift of catching up with their lives.
Yes, they were going to the winter formal. No, they won’t ask a girl, because the way it’s done is the girls ask them. The one who slept on the love seat has no worry of going to the prom alone, confident two girls will ask him. The other, with a sinking heart, slinks down into the seat. I know his crush. “What the heck”, I say, “ask her”. Blush. Smile. Deep voice giggles. “Yeah, maybe”, he says with a warm smile, his despair waning. I ask the two about about my son, the only way I’ll get girl information. They all giggle again. “Oh, this pretty girl is going to ask him”, one tells me. Oblivious to his charm, my son smiles — “whatever, we’re all going together anyway”.
With sinking heart, I remember what I most want to avoid– two of them will be graduating high school in June, my son one of them. I know this is the first leap away from me toward a life of his own.
The conversation switches to the upcoming high school musical, Thoroughly Modern Millie. My son and one of these dear friends will play the Chinese immigrant characters, Ching Ho and Bun Foo, two mismatch-sized brothers working in New York saving money to send to their mother in Hong Kong.
Commiserating, they discuss their dreaded plans for the afternoon – going to the barbershop to get their hair shaved for the role. I feel a moment of panic, my son with hair like Elvis Presley hasn’t changed his hair style since his role as Conrad Birdie in Bye Bye Birdie the year before. Soon shaved will be that long wavy piece that sometimes falls on his forehead that I’m always tempted to brush back.
They get quiet for a moment as I deliver the first round of waffles, probably imagining going to school the next day with shaved heads, their brown locks falling to the barbershop floor.
The silence breaks when they discuss avoiding parody of their Chinese characters. They ponder, “it’s hard, after all, we’re not Chinese”.
I think of the recent blogs I’ve been reading on racism, diversity, Syrian refugees, the Twitter hashtags #Blacklivesmatter, #refugeeswelcome. It’s a complicated time for these kids.
Breakfast lasts a long time. I’m nourished by the unusual lingering.
Last night we went to the opening of Millie. Ching Ho and Bun Foo were a hit, their shaved heads perfect under bowl-like caps.
I met a mother in the lobby at the theater during intermission, her eyes swollen from crying all day. She sent her 19-year old daughter off on a 6-month trip volunteering around the world with a leading organization for youth.
She said something, with tears in her eyes, that touched my heart.
“I know even when she comes back, things will never be the same.”
In other words, she’s growing up, on her way, no longer the daughter who will need her in the same way, the daughter launching a new life.
I recall the summer day 2 years ago my son warned me, with a concerned tenderness, “Mom, I’m not going to be around much anymore. I’ll be hanging out with my friends a lot more.” For a moment our eyes locked, mine yearning, filled with unexpected tears, his pulling away, furrowed brows and a stiff grin harnessing the tenderness he couldn’t, shouldn’t have.
I reflect, in a way, for mothers, each changing year with our kids, we feel the same — things will never be the same. I felt that the first day of school when my son went to kindergarten. Holding his tiny hand tightly, we didn’t want to let each other go. He looked at me after scanning the kindergarten room with grave concern, “why is everyone sitting down?”, he asked. Tears ran down my cheeks. “Of course, you’re right, kids should be running around”, I thought. After he said, “I don’t want to stay here, I want to go home”, I decided then and there to homeschool.
But for most mothers, they have to leave sometime.
I’m reminded of the day Jesus, when just twelve years old, on the brink of teenage hood, disappeared when returning home with his parents from Jerusalem after the Feast of Passover. After going back to Jerusalem to find him, and searching for three days (can you imagine the panic?), his parents found him in the temple courts among the teachers, listening to them and asking questions with wisdom beyond his years.
“His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”
Jesus asks, “Why were you searching for me?”
(That sounds like a pre-teen to me).
Can you imagine Mary’s anxiousness, her worry and anger when he disappeared? Sure, it was God’s will for Jesus to escape his parents that day to go to the temple, but in his humanness, he was also an adolescent starting the process of breaking away.
I can just imagine Mary and Joseph pondering on the long, hot journey returning home from Jerusalem,
“I know when he comes back, things will ever be the same.”
WE LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!
Sharing today at these lovely groups #SmallWonder and:
Oh, Kathy, how I relate to this post. My 3 children are grown, and two have families of their own. Now my grandson is going to dances, wondering who to ask or who might ask him–someone did! 🙂 Everything changes when the kids grow up and move away. Sometimes it makes me sad, but then I remember the beautiful in my new life. Different, yes, but beautiful, nevertheless. “To everything there is a season….” Thank you for this post, Kathy!
Thank you for visiting Nancy! Yes, “To Everything there is a Season!”..I love hearing from woman like you who go before us..your wisdom means so much, you give us hope that although everything changes, there’s new beautiful always! Lovely!
It is difficult to watch our children grow up and pull away, even though we know it’s how it needs to be. 🙁 When it started happening with me and my own daughters, I felt a new compassion for how it must have felt to my own mother when I was pulling away from her. The good news is that the pulling away can be replaced with a different kind of relationship that is really even deeper, but sometimes it takes awhile for that to get set in place. It’s wonderful that you have these kind of conversations with the young people in your life! It sounds like you are a safe place for them to share their thoughts and feelings
Thanks for your thoughts Lisa, I find much solace learning from the wisdom of other mother’s like you..to know the relationship with our children
can actually deepen makes me eager for future times ahead — I get so much already from these dear teenagers! So enjoyed your comment!
I can really relate to this post. I can remember having almost the same conversation with my youngest son when he was 18. I knew I had to let him go, but it really is hard. You’d think I’d be used to it because he has older siblings! I’m thankful that they are in God’s hand and He loves them more than I do. They will make mistakes, but I trust that God will continue to draw them to Himself. Blessings to you! I’m visiting from #SmallWonder.
Loving our kids as we do can only bring aches and all mixed together..18 is particularly hard — but knowing they’re in God’s hands makes it all so much easier.
I constantly pray to ‘Let go, let God!’
Oh my stars, Kathy! There goes my heart … I have been struggling with that as my oldest has become a teenager and has changed so much. I get moments of his old tender self, but I know it will never be the same. Sometimes I just want to make time stand still and hold onto the moments just a little tighter!
This was so beautifully written. I am always blessed by my visits here, but this time I had goosebumps!!!!
Hugs, my friend!
Lori
You make me smile..’oh my stars..”! We must commiserate in this..and bless to those tiny glimpses of his former tender self..it’s tucked down there
somewhere beneath all the hormones and enormous complications of teenage hood! As we learn from those who go before us, they do come back in some ways..
just different..and we change with them into a new relationship! But it doesn’t make it easy does it?! Thank you for your encouragement Lori and inspiration!
You blessed my morning!
OH what a beautiful essay to read, Kathy. Soaking in your story and your message, I’m caught off guard just thinking of the days ahead, when I will have to let go of my own kids. I have experienced the letting go on small scales, like allowing them to go ice skating ALONE at the rink yesterday for two hours. I was SO NERVOUS for their safety. I was anxious the entire time, reflecting on how I told my son to ALWAYS stay by his sister, and if he has to go to the bathroom, he MUST be escorted with her to the door. Do not talk to ANYONE in the bathroom, and use the STALL. And don’t skate too fast and try to show off! You’ll get hurt! etc etc etc. Hoping and praying he remembers all my instructions!!
I showed up early to pick them up. I couldn’t wait to get them back in my sight.
These days you describe… they’re coming. I know. I just pray God prepares them well, and I pray He prepares ME well too.
Love you Chris..it goes so fast, hold on to those precious moments! I so enjoy getting glimpses of these years with your children at soccer games and
such..it always makes me smile! Yes..that’s a big think letting them go ice skating alone! I’d be in a panic, too..but this is what good parents do! We
have no choice but to protect them and keep them safe. You’re such a good mom! Now I fret each time my son gets behind the wheel of the car..so you’re preparing yourself! All the more reason to deepen our faith..praying for our children without ceasing!
Sigh. So much change, all around and all that remains is to savor. Blessings to you and yours – what a fun time in life!
It is a fun time! As I reflect, each year with our children offers precious gifts, just in different packages!
What a wonderfully poignant post! I recall that era well. When my two kiddos went off to college (2 hours away) three years apart, I had no idea after their graduation they would move 500 and 350 miles away to start their adult life. In my head I celebrated their courage and success, but my heart had more of a challenge. This past fall I watched as our daughter sent her oldest to college (her alma mater) five hours away. She finally understood what she could not have known otherwise. She still has not glimpsed at the likely reality that he will likely not live at home or even in her town when he graduates. It can somehow be easy to forget that one of our jobs as parents is to train, develop, and prepare our kids to live without us!
Just love hearing a bit about your story, and then your daughter’s story..the cycle of motherhood, as you say, training, developing and preparing our kids to live without us..goes on and on for centuries and our hearts always break and mend! So enjoyed reading your comment! Thanks for visiting Pam, eager to continue sharing!
I love the image of your son and his friends sprawled across your living room and then devouring waffles in your kitchen. It is wonderful that you know how precious these times are and are cherishing them. Pam’s writing reminded me of one of the most challenging moments in my life when my oldest son informed my husband and me that he had chosen to move back up to Olympia, Washington to join his love who he had met at Evergreen College. This news came after he had given us the impression that he was ready to establish life back in North County San Diego after being away in Washington State for College. Despite how hard I tried, I could not hold back my tears that reflected my heartbreaking. Thoughts of “what was this parenting thing all about if our kids leave us?” “This is not the way life was supposed to be.” I had always had a vision of my sons staying close and our family creating a compound living situation. I mean….who wants to leave paradise? Then my son, one of my great buddhas, brought me back to reality. “Mom, this is the way life is supposed to be. I have a woman I love. I have more happiness in this relationship than any other. We cannot afford to live in North County San Diego. I need to establish myself separate from you. I am ready to do this.” Oy vay! Yes, we want to foster independent children and at the same time the heart wishes to hold them close. My son is going to be the father of 2 in April 2016. He is a loving husband and father and good provider. He is happier than ever. I am learning to surrender to accept his life path which was way different from what I had envisioned. Surrender has become my 2016 favorite word and mantra in navigating through being a parent of adult sons. Surrender forces me to “stay in the moment” when I am with them which is truly one of the biggest keys to my own happiness in all aspects of life.
oh my gosh, it goes to show when we have such defined ideas for our children we will have heart break. I love how your son tells you his truth — as a young man he needed to craft his own life, and (how true how expensive it is to live in San Diego for young people!). Our older children teach us to surrender and let go so they can live the life God has for them. Surrender is a perfect word! Letting go of our children also is a process it seems! Thank you for your tender motherhood story!!!
Kathy and all Holy Vacation Queen participants….your beautiful contributions re: The Ache of Letting Go of our Kids reminded me of one of my favorite poems:
He who binds himself to a joy
Does the winged life destroy
But he who kisses the Joy as It flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.
—– William Blake
This is so beautiful!! I love William Blake!
Kathy, what a beautiful story about the boys, and your boy. That is such an interesting connection with the story of Jesus in Luke. Yikes! I never saw that! I just sent my oldest off to college, and it’s a big adjustment. I miss hI’m more than I expected, but I’m getting used to it. There is a time for everything!
Awww Betsy, I have a few tears for you missing your boy and sending him off to college! I know we all adjust, as mothers before us show us..many enjoying a new found freedom! Yes, there is a time for everything! I’ve always been touched by that story in Luke…the human side of the mother of Jesus that we don’t reflect on often..
My eyes start to sting as I read this post. I am brought back to a day several years ago when our daughter moved to her first apartment. I knew then that things would never be the same. What I can say to encourage us both is that she and I have such a wonderful friend relationship. She still needs me. Still calls me. Still wants a hug from her mom and some homemade chicken and rice soup from her mom when she’s sick. She needs me in a different way now. Things are not the same, but they are so sweet. Blessings friend.
Carmen, as I read all the comments by all the lovely mothers, my eyes fill with tears how each on of us share similar feelings and memories of the times we must let go! I so often hear how the relationships only get better as our children become adults. What blessings..and yes, they still need us. My husband calls his mom everyday! Such a sweet comment! Thank you Carmen!
i just had this conversation yesterday with a woman who is like a grandmother to me. I was reminding her that my 1st born (of 5) would be leaving home in just 5 short years. She was trying to convince me to convince 1st born to stay close to home. A lengthy exchange ensued. She thought me “tough” for sending the child off before their ready. I had to stress to her that wasn’t the case at all but instead an activation of my faith. Early on God has shown and confirmed time and again these children do not belong to me, I’m just to steward over them for a time. He’s confirmed for me time and again there a time and season for everything under the heavens. Even with 1st born he’s already helped me to slowly, carefully loosen the reigns as she has travelled across the country without me. I thank him for preparing me. I cringed a little when she said “Stanford” as we live in the Mid-Atlantic. But ultimately I surrender. They were never MINE but always HIS. Blessings friend as they go about their Father’s business.
Tyra, this is beautiful — and so true, and wisdom for me to think about during this new season in my life. I know all this in my head, now
bringing into the heart of my faith will be the cure all..what a wonderful blessing to read your comment today. Thanks so much for visiting! Bless you with 5…
I just have one!
Oh my goodness, Kathy! Wow. This grabbed every part of my heart. My son is a sophomore. I can relate. So beautiful. So incredibly beautiful! I just love the connection to Joseph and Mary and also the reflections on how racism and refugees, etc., create a confusing time for our kids to sort through. Much love! What a blessing to read this this morning! Bonnie 🙂
Thank you dearly, Bonnie, what a beautiful comment! Gracious thanks! We need to hold on to these precious moments with our kids. The teen years are
as important as earlier ages..they need us, too! I often think of Mary — what a burden she held throughout Jesus’ life..and what she first thought when
he disappeared that day. Blessings, Bonnie! It’s such a gift to share with you and to read your comment today!