I arrived home the other night after driving my teenage son an hour to his theater rehearsals to downtown San Diego. This is now the sixth week of driving him, on average six days a week, mostly during rush hour. My husband tag-teams with me, meeting me at a local city park after his long day of work to wait for my son’s rehearsals to end at 10 p.m. He’s a mensch, my Jewish mother, the mother I never had. He doesn’t like me driving late in the dark. I have a picnic waiting for him. We enjoy our forced, but welcomed date as I wait for rush hour traffic to die down before heading home.
On the drive downtown to drop my son off, the the salty breeze was a welcome relief from the sinking, still potent California sun scorching my skin through the car windows. Now driving home, I make my best attempt to let go of exhaustion by opening the windows wide, allowing the rush of Pacific’s warm ocean breezes to caress my skin and whip wildly through my tangled hair. My breath deepening, I exhale a slow, steady soothing stream. Tension melts down my neck, rolling off my shoulders into the wind, the sound of fast rolling tires lulling me into a driving meditation.
After this lovely traffic-free drive home, I pull into our driveway, eager to crawl under my covers. As I get out of the car, I notice the full, luminous moon against the backdrop of the vast black velvet starless sky, casting a magical glow over our cul-de-sac.
For the first time in weeks, I stand still. For several moments, the night’s silence and moon’s majestic lure hold me in a holy vacuum in time, in a great, hushed pause.
Perhaps I’ve been swallowed by exhaustion from self-less mothering, these long drives, to-do lists, and juggling work, that I was blinded to this luminous spotlight in the night sky, the great and mighty moon lighting my way back home up I-5.
Waking this morning, I sense exhaustion sinking into my mattress, the pillow under my head feels soft and comforting. A cacophony of bird songs play their symphony outside my bedroom window, a crow’s cackle echoing from it’s throne high on trees in a neighboring park. A few more crows follow it’s screeching song. Smaller birds sing me a sweet morning melody, resting in rows on tall and slender palm trees in my yard, reaching high toward the blue, violet sky. Somehow they remind me of a row of eager children, holding back prideful grins, each dressed in thrown-together costumes, hushing parents to quiet down, eager to perform their half-rehearsed skit. I imagine less than eager parents wiping jaded, impatient expressions off their faces — they’d rather be sipping coffee at Starbucks, needing a break from another kid thing, from another forced smile. I, too, need a jolt of caffeine, not sure I want to hear the beauty of the bird’s trill. But the little feathered creatures sing anyway, a beautiful, sweet tender song. I take a deep breath, sinking into my bed.
They disappear. A muffle of a dog’s bark, the faint sounds of tires rolling, my cat resting on my shoulders, prepares me for my morning meditation and prayer. I think, “a cat’s life is luxurious.”
Sipping my tea, the usual, green tea with a honey and vanilla soy milk, Bible verses root me into the weekend. I drink their splendor.
It’s been a long season of diligence, a portion self-imposed, some part of the hypnotic trance of the rat race we all fall into. My version is the To-do lists of parenting, college research, work, shopping, cooking, shopping, cooking, driving, driving, driving. My body-pump classes help release accumulated stress, but they’re exhausting, too.
Morning prayer reminds me, I’m too diligent, too fragmented. I’m missing full moons, birds singing, brilliant colored flowers, like in Monet paintings, dotting our town. Yet, I recall poignant moments, the wise, encouraging words my dearest friend sends to me in a Facebook messages, ‘driving our children is a sacred act’. It is. She is right. This is the last year before my son is off to college, driving on his own. I think of our long conversations in the car, singing classic rock together, hedging and holding his angst, listening to his dreams and joys. My friend’s last name is Bless, can you imagine?
I recall, too, this morning, the moments in the city park this week as I waited for my husband, the innocence of the blonde little girl in the pink dress swinging high, and the little boy, no more that six, yelling out the ‘f’ word to a sweet little scared boy. The sweet little boy comes over to my blanket, and just stares. He’s seeking help, his instincts must know I’m a good lady. I say, ‘Is that little boy bulling you?” He shakes his dear little head up and down. I say, “you tell me if he does that again, I’ll help you tell him he can’t do that anymore”. His grin is wide. He shakes his head up and down like a baby peacock. Giving me a quick, assured wave, he runs off to play, relieved, free.
I recall the blog I read under the city park tree while waiting for my husband to arrive. Andrew, a blogger in an online community I frequent, is dying. He writes a stunning blog called, Your Dying Spouse at Blessed Are the Pure of Heart. In his blog I read about the aloneness he feels that must come with dying, “a hard blog for him to write”, he says.
Like the moon, his words stop me in my tracks.
The next day I read another blog he writes,
“When the curtain looks like it’s about to fall, it’s almost universal that a dying person is going to go through a period of reflection.
What did my life add up to? What did it mean?
When the horizon’s clear, and we feel that our days are still many, we tend to look at each day as an opportunity to catch up – to correct at least some of the mistakes we’ve made, to catch up with those dreams that shimmer tantalizingly out of reach.”
Tears roll down my cheeks from a deep, warm place. I leave a comment on his blog saying, “I complained all day about the heat, while you suffer in pain day in and day out.”
While you remind me to pause, to appreciate the moon, the songs, the children.
I thank God for the pauses in our days, for Andrew’s deep words. I know for sure, in them we find God.
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Oh wow, this has been where my heart is at lately. I keep telling myself to find places to pause, to drink in the blessings right in front of me. I felt myself slow down as I was reading over your words. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. Blessed to be your neighbor at #TestimonyTuesday.
I’m so happy this speaks deeply to your Abby! It’s another way God’s grace sneaks up on us with His tug..bringing us back. I think God is using blogs, too, to reach out to us, to remind us. May you be blessed today with pauses and deep breaths, by waning moons and the love of children!!
Love having you visit!!
Ah, Kathy, beautiful words here today! And wonderful reminders to pause and notice. I have many a great conversation with my grandkids while we’re riding in the car. Good times!
Always love having you visit Ellen! Thank you for your thoughtful words, and how I love those many conversations with your grandkids in the car. I had never thought of driving our kids/grandkids as being sacred, but I wouldn’t trade it with the world. And how your grandkids will remember all those conversations with grandma, too!
we all need to learn to appreciate the little things that He gives us 😀
It’s so easy sometimes to forget Andi, but God’s grace is abundant!
What a breeze of fresh air your words lilted over my heart tonight. I, too, am exhausted from the day and found myself just sitting here… basking in the words of those who, like me, share hearts on the screen with letters. I, too, have been finding myself driving more than I’d like, taking a son to practices that I knew he would love and I am trying not to complain because I wanted it for him and I only have him for a little while and ….
And then I am reminded of Andrew’s words and his days of discomfort and I remember how much I am blessed by the things he has shared. Thanks for reminding me to visit his sharing and to pray for him, and to thank God for your words, too.
Blessings,
Dawn
Your words bless me, too Dawn! I’m so glad we can share each other’s hearts, our struggles as parents and our need for more of God. Driving kids is part of our job, we just need to remember that it’s sacred, too. Andrew is a true blessing, and thank you for your prayers for him. I’m so glad you visited. I’ll come by your way, too. Do come again!
I so badly want to be better at taking a deep breath and take in the pause’s God put’s into my day for me. Great writing!#TellHisStory
Hi Laura, I think we all thirst for this so much in this world! Thankfully, we have God’s grace that draws us back, and we have each other, scriptures, and the desire to finally surrender all our strivings! Thanks so much for visiting Laura! Hope to share again!
Hi Kathy! I’m your nearby neighbor over at #TellHisStory today and thought I’d drop in and leave a comment. Instead, I found myself lingering, clicking on your links and reading more of your story.
We live in a frenetic world that applauds and embraces “busy” and sometimes it feels impossible to move away from the noise and chaos to just pause and inhale oxygen. I love it when the Lord captures our attention through the simple, small, seemingly insignificant things (such as a bird’s chorus).
This was beautifully and poignantly written. I’m so glad I came over 🙂
*I find it intriguing that we might be actual neighbors as I live in the east county of San Diego!
Hi Caryn, I’m so glad you came by and lingered, too, I want this blog to be welcoming! You say it so well, it is a frenetic world that applauds and embraces “busy”..and yes it feels impossible to find solace. It’s God’s grace that brings me back, and intention..and of course the lovely friends we meet who share the same love of God, and desire for more. Amazing you are so nearby! I live in North County! Perhaps we can find a time for tea sometime! I’m so glad you visited, I’ll come by your way, too. Warm blessing for many pauses this week!
So glad to be your neighbor at #TellHisStory today! Amen.
Those little pauses make that trance you wonderfully describe so much more meaningful and lively. It’s hard to appreciate the sacred acts of simple things when simple things don’t stop up and grip us. Love this!
Thanks so much for visiting, and for your appreciation! It’s so true, sometimes simple things need to stop and grab us before we notice they’re grace in action!! So glad to see you here Bethany, I will visit you, too!
What a gift to be awakened to the invitation of the now. I noticed the moon was bright red last night just before falling into bed and have started getting up a half hour earlier in the still dark to find those moments of sacred pause.
Kelly, I love this, “what a gift to be awakened to the invitation of the now”–yes the now that’s too easy to miss. I love you’re waking early to find those ‘moments of sacred pause’–what a beautiful phrase. Always enjoy hearing from you! Thanks for hosting #smallwonders, too!
Well said my friend….your writing is becoming better and better! Good for you….God has plans for you….yet to materialize but sure!!
Dearest Rebecca You’re behind the scenes as one of my first supporters–truly your encouragement helped me keep writing! Some days are better than others in writing, sometimes I’m juggling life and trying to string words together with some effort, other days it flows! But thank you, thank you, thank you. You give me much encouragement!!
I take that back….at least the part about “yet to materialize”! He is already using you for sure!!!!
hugs to you Rebecca!! I realize even if I reach just a few people, if I can help open spiritual eyes and hearts to God, or offer hope, I know God’s using me! I hope to see you soon!! I think studies should be starting at North Coast? I very much look forward to seeing you!
I live an exceedingly busy life; one that often leaves me exhausted and wondering if it is ever possible to slow down.
It’s moments like the ones you described that keep me sane. I like to call them my ‘God-moments’, because I truly believe in those brief moments it’s the Spirit nudging me, reminding me of the beautiful calmness that exists.
It’s the first sign of the leaves changing colour and beginning their slow descent to the ground; that moment when my backyard is a picture of perfection, even amidst it’s unfinished mess, because I can catch a glimpse through the work I have done of what it will be when it’s completed. It’s in that moment my sweet little pup is curled up on the blanket at my feet, sleeping soundly and peacefully because she knows I’m right there.
Those moments are what carry me through and remind me that even amidst the busyness, there is perfection.
So love you visiting Tabitha! Yes, God Moments! Love that..surely the Spirit nudging you closer in the heat of your busy life. Perhaps
that’s part of God’s way, never forsaking us! I’m lulled into my own sense of peace reading your words, imagining the leaves changing color (miss that here in CA!), your little pup near your feed. Your backyard is a great metaphor for our lives, unfinished, in-progress..but somehow God moments makes it all perfect! So enjoyed your comment!
So fun to read your blog Kathy- so beautifully written too! You have a gift! Thanks for stopping by my site, glad to hear of your wonderful journey…
love to hear your thoughts on my book- it’s my first venture out from the “how to” youth ministry books:) Still growing so much as a writer, but it seems to be hitting a nerve with people.
Always available to speak- so keep me in mind for any church/events. It would be fun to see you…blessings friend!
Hi Laurie! What a blessing to find you! Thank you for your feedback on my blog, it’s part of my spiritual practice! So much appreciate your words. My young faith was rooted back then at Ocean Hills! I will certainly give you my thoughts on your book when I can carve out the time I can relish in reading it! Congratulations on stepping into the wider publication world, and touching people..I know you offer readers much wisdom from your own journey! I’ll be back in touch, and so beautiful to connect with you again!! I’ll keep you in mind for speaking,too!!
Oh my heart simply cracked when you shared about Andrew… Those pauses are necessary- and honestly, pass so fleetingly that we sometimes miss them- much like you described.
Then BAM. God jolts us with a spirit-filled light bulb moment… and our perspective completely shifts.
Now my heart is soaked in this Godly blessed man… and what I can only imagine he is experiencing.
Thank you for this. Thank you for passing on this LIGHT BULB moment. Pause. Live in that moment with intention, observation, devotion. YES!!
It was certainly a moment of grace when I read Andrew’s blog sitting under the tree in the park that night. It was the first
time I read any of his posts, and then realized he was part of the #FMFcommunity..his words jolted me out of the mundane into grace!
Yes, these pauses do pass so fleetingly..that we, too, often miss them! That’s why we’re blessed to have one another–each of us on our own
paths, each God gives light bulb moments to share with one another! I so loved your poetry this week! Blessings!
These words that you wrote are so very important. Your refection points to what is important and how we can pause and make sure that we are pointing to God and His goodness in our busyness. I love Andrew’s blog and he inspires me to live every moment and make the best of it and those words speak deeply to me every time. Thank you for writing this and for sharing this at Weekend Whispers.
Thank you Mary, I’m so blessed by your visit, and so appreciate the Weekend Whispers community. I hadn’t read Andrew’s blog until that
early evening under the trees, God’s grace led me there–to be reminded of each precious moment right where we are, to hear his raw wisdom. I’m blessed over and over again by this community, all of you — and love how you all hold Andrew dear!
Hello Kathy,
How often do we all rush through life seeing only the things that irritate and tire us while we forget to slow down and enjoy the life God has given us.
Many thanks for this very important reminder, I pray I keep this in mind every minute of every day.
Have a super blessed week!
Love
Thanks so much for visiting Teshuva!
What a blessing to share our blogs and for your visit! It’s a great gift to encourage one another on this grand adventure with God!
You also have a super blessed week, and I’ll be eager to connect again! Blessings!
Bravo to you and Simon who have made the immense commitment to support your beloved son’s passion. Your abilities to shift what could have been a high anxiety (traffic and time on the road) experience with high risk of resentment into sacred conversation time with Jewels and then lovely Kathy/Simon date time is divine.
My son, daughter in law and 2 year old grandson, Gene, flew home yesterday after a 5 day visit. I hosted a family
gathering for 30 while they were here. There were many sweet precious moments during their stay. Yet, I had an overwhelming sense of duty to keep everyone well fed, house cleaned, everyone entertained that I turned myself into a workhorse. After the family party, my grandson, sons and nieces were playing with glee in living room and all I could do was go to bed at 9 pm. I remember my mom once saying “I miss out on alot of the fun” after family gatherings the she and dad hosted. I definitely had taken for granted the work mom and dad did to keep our family together….well fed and entertained.
My favorite times over the past few days were those of “taking the pause”. One night we lounged around the living room and each took the quiz of who our spirit animal is: I am a hawk…Bryce is a wolf, Hayden is a bear and Ivy is a spider. Together, we pondered each of our unique characteristics. Building sand castles on moonlight beach and seeing the joy my grandson took in destroying them was wonderful. Bodysurfing in 75 degree water …..with my son…made me feel young and connected to Bryce and the earth.
I still need tricks to help squelch my self imposed busy button….I know that taking “the pause” keeps our hearts filled with wonder, love and rejuvenates us to continue to give. The pause allows the holy spirit to enter and ignite our worlds. Mary Oliver’s poem: 5 a.m. in the Pine Woods is my most favorite poem about “taking the pause”.
Thank you Kathy for this perfectly timed opportunity to reflect on the importance of the pause.
I just love your heart Theresa, you are such a giver, and yet, I know well sometimes this can be overworking, overdoing in our kind
diligence. Your words remind me of the story of Mary and Martha during Jesus’ visit-Martha is running around preparing, annoyed at Mary who sits at Jesus’ feet– Martha was distracted with all the preparations she had to make, so she came up to Jesus and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do all the work alone? Tell her to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the best part; it will not be taken away from her.” — How I think of this over and over everytime I have guests..I so relate to you Theresa!! But I love the times you speak of ‘taking the pause” with a family game, building castles in the sand, and loving your little grandson’s boyishness, and oooohhh, love you bodysurfed!! In fact you’re encouraging to jump in the ocean today, since I’ve been too diligent of late, that I forgot the glorious ocean just miles away!! I’m so glad you found such beauty in the busyness, and I’m so sure everyone loved your hospitality and meals. I just love this that you say, “I know that taking “the pause” keeps our hearts filled with wonder, love and rejuvenates us to continue to give. The pause allows the holy spirit to enter and ignite our worlds.” Beauty, pure beauty!