Although I’ve come a long way, I still haven’t mastered controlling anger and yelling, especially during bouts of my teenage son’s hormonal angst, when uncharacteristic disrespect spews from his otherwise kind heart like a curve ball. Living with a teenager is often like living on the San Andreas fault line, or in tsunami vulnerable areas. Like an earthquake or tsunami, teenage angst strikes without warning. Sometimes, before I know it, I’m underwater, churning in a tumultuous sea, entwined in knots of teen hormones like being twisted up in tangled streams of seaweed, or I’m thwarting the darts of unintentional, disrespect. My knee jerk reaction is to yell back, demanding obedience, respect, and his self-control. Yet, after the initial relief from a good, hardy belly yell, I have regrets. Why wasn’t I more loving and firm, more instructive?
I think St. Paul says it best, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”
By the time things settle down, my son forgets anything that happened, and tells me he doesn’t remember being disrespectful. He’ll plop on the sofa next to me chatting about the latest movie, while I’m recovering from the angst blast, regretting my shrill outburst. I’ll question myself again, “Why didn’t I take a deep breath before I responded?” I’ve made many a resolution not to scream or yell, to be a model of healthy communication, but in his 17th year my parenting tool box needs bigger more sophisticated tools — like power drills. I felt better about yelling when I heard author Anne Lamott in an interview say she once wrote about slapping her teenager Sam in the face. She got a lot of flack from readers about it, some even called her abusive. At least I have a handle on that kind of response. However, Anne’s honesty is refreshing, I’m sure she speaks for many well-intentioned, good parents who have lost it once in a while.
I’m sensitive to the fact that because I grew up in a family that communicated with an unhealthy amount of anger, I’m more prone to being raging bull when emotional triggers are lit, than say someone brought up in a good Christian home with parents who had the self-control part of the fruits of the spirit down to perfection (or is this my fantasy of a perfect Christian home?).
Good sense makes one slow to anger.- Proverbs 19:11
Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9
Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty. Proverbs 16:32
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding. Proverbs 14:29
But as we read scripture in the gospel of James, we realize harnessing anger and harsh words is easier said than done: “All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue.”
Anything that smells of disrespect, betrayal, abandonment, or threatening my security can trigger me, lighting my anger torch. Of course, stress is also culprit. How do we continue to live a life of everyday holiness when our inner monsters, when old festering emotional wounds get triggered, when stress levels are heightened? I’ve gotten down on my hands and knees praying to God to send some dirty job angels into the recesses of my subconscious mind, where my yelling monsters lurk, for a good basement cleaning. A few scrub brushes, vinegar and baking soda, and several large plastic bags could do the job. It means surrendering those weaker parts of ourselves to God, the great and mighty counselor, who can help us, overtime, transform our weaknesses into strengths. It means turning back to God when our lives become roller coasters of stress, finding time to re-balance, to return to God’s fountain of peace.
My biggest hurdle when I lose it, is is being disappointed in myself for not being the perfect mother, communicator, wife. Of course, our most intimate relationships also shine spotlights on our deepest flaws and weaknesses, and yet, on a more positive note, they’re also like petri dishes for deep healing and transformation. I’ve had to surrender my illusion of perfection, realizing I’m a work in progress, that parenting, relationships and marriage are both wonderful and hard. I have to remind myself that most of the time I’m a pretty great parent and wife, that I’ve come a long way in love, and that God loves me just as I am. With God, we’re all becoming made anew, we’re being pruned, we’re in process of being reconfigured, reshaped, cleansed, purified, becoming more Christ like in our humanness. With God, we’re in process of becoming the best humans we can be, set-backs included.
God’s forgiving love is the soil where radical transformation, and self-forgiveness begins. I’ve noticed over the years as I’ve matured spiritually, surrendering my vulnerability to anger into God’s loving spirit for sacred correction, most of the time now, I can say to my son, “I love you, I see you have a lot of angst, but I won’t be disrespected. I’m here for you, but I expect you to get control of your angst, and express yourself in a better way. I’m learning, too. ” Where I can say to my husband, “what you said really bothered me, and this is what I need.” Just the same, my son always comes back later, saying, “I understand, or I apologize”, or my husband says, “I’ll work on that, I hear you”. Intimacy is the very place where forgiveness can happen over and over again, seven times seventy-seven times. We get better together.
I’m more likely now to yield today to the wisdom of Proverbs, A gentle answer turns away wrath.
But I also forget easily, like I did again just yesterday, when I yelled again for a brief minute, when I intended to speak with more instructive, healing words.
I set apart time for prayer this morning, spending quiet time with God, seeking wisdom at the altar of mercy, for a better way. It’s clear now, our stress level has been high lately, work, driving back and forth to my son’s back-to-back evening rehearsals and theater performances an hour away. We’ve had such little time for self-care, for abiding, for balanced family time, those lovely evenings curled up together in the comfort of our home, watching a movie, enjoying a meal together. We’ve been eating on the run, at cafes, dragging coolers of pre-made dinners to a local park by the theater, or eating in the car.
Stop. Return. Slow things down. Begin again with Godly intentions, with the holy word etched into our hearts.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord. Psalm.
19:14
As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart. – Proverbs 27:19
Bodies, minds, and hearts that hold anger, and mean or hurtful words, are like the insects I collected as a child in jars–worms, ants, beetles and slugs. God helps us becomes vessels of love, of right speech, speaking words of kindness, wisdom, building one another up, and turning our insect jars into snow globes, filling our mouths with diamonds, rubies, shells, and starfish. I think of a beach in a small cove in Mendocino, California, where thousands of pieces of ocean worn glass washes up on it’s shore, colorful pieces of turquoise, green, and white glass glistening in the sunshine. Compared to beaches loitered with garbage, bottle caps, plastic water bottles, and sharp pieces of broken glass, the Mendocino beach reminds me of the work God does within us–God smooths out the sharp edges of our words just as the tumultuous ocean refines the edges of thousands of pieces of colorful, broken glass.
As we’re transformed, we become vehicles of transformation, vessels of God’s power and love, speaking words of peace to our neighbors, family, friends, our children, teenagers, and even enemies.
But it takes work. It takes prayer, setting apart time for daily spiritual practices, calling on the spirit to help us in our weaknesses, surrendering at each and every opportunity unhealthy ways of communicating, turning toward God’s virtuous callings, to the way of peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control, and leading our children in the way they should go.
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oh yeah i can so relate to that whole angry thing
Hi Andi! It’s just not talked about much!
“My biggest hurdle when I lose it, is being disappointed in myself for not being the perfect mother, communicator, wife…”
Yep, this very thing plagued me for years. I live with a mood disorder that affects every emotion that surges to the surface, and without warning, I would erupt with a raise voiced simply because I couldn’t make my brain cope with whatever drama came my way…
God began to submerge me in His grace and His tenderness when I realised I could never control it on my own, and I slowly forgave myself for all the times I lost it.
Your words, boy do they resonate! So, so, so grateful you were my neighbour at #TellHisStory today!!!
Hi Christine, I’m blessed by your honest comment, your struggles are are real to so many! The more we can talk about these things, and support one another, the more others will feel safe to do the same. These issues, anger, shame, mood disorders, depression, inadequacy, being triggered, unfortunately are stigmas..but how human they are!! This is all the more reason we need to draw near to God’s mercy seat, where we are crowned with love instead of shame! What a blessings God’s grace and tenderness has been a salve and comfort, and you have forgiven yourself. You bless us here with your beautiful comment! I hope you’ll visit again! I’ll come to your blog, too!
Ahhh!! Such.a subject! I.have the glorious opportunity to work in a.youth and family program. I work.with parents…and what a gift it has.been. I have had an opportunity to sit across from myself in each and every home I walk in to…the good the bad and.the ugly.
The process of evolving to be the best we can be, as parents especially, is a journey. It is through identification, that we learn and heal. Kathy, Your honest experience shared is a gift. I myself, as.you know,have raised 2 children that have been, and continue to be a work.in progress. I try on a daily basis to be loving, kind holding them and myself accountable. EGR = extra grace required when it comes to teenagers for sure!…I trip I fall… & get back up, and apologise when needed. Most importantly I love and forgive them and myself. But oh those triggers… I know them well. Xoxo
I love your honest comment Susan. I love how you share how even as a counselor that works with families, you have “the opportunity to sit across from myself”. What a healing place God has placed you in! I commend all your ongoing deep efforts toward becoming a mother,to healing, and speaking and love, yet also, how realistic to know ‘those triggers’ means deeper work! What a blessing your comments are today!
This truly needs to be shared EVERYWHERE! I absolutely love your authenticity and even more, such truth you share when it comes to this unquestionable ‘thorn’ we all seem to face in the throes of an angry interaction…
Oh do I get this. I get you. And those verses are such an encouragement and a source of wisdom I need to soak in, today and every day.
Sharing this everywhere… and will be re-reading it regularly. <3
Chris, I am just so blessed by your encouragement and sharing this everywhere! So thankful! There’s always a bit of hesitation with sharing such vulnerabilities, but I’m learning through blogging that when we do risk sharing vulnerabilities and unbashed truth, it opens doors to meet other awesome women like yourself!! ‘Thorn’ is a perfect word for such tendencies to yell- a thorn in our sides, isn’t it! Yet, the image comes to me of Christ crowned with thorns, that new life can come from such thorns–especially when we bring to light our darkness. And yet, it is really a process of surrendering everyday! I love I found you & TheMomCafe.com!! Eager to keep in touch. You’re a likeminded truth teller, such a blessing!
“Our most intimate relationships also shine spotlights on our deepest flaws and weaknesses and yet, on a more positive note, they’re also like petri dishes for deep healing transformation.” What a perfectly beautiful statement Kathy. I wish the 1950s images we had on Leave It To Beaver gave us more of the open and honest realities of the challenges of being wives and mothers that you so eloquently and bravely share. I had very stoic parents who did not show their relationship challenges in front of us while I was a young girl. As a result, I was not well prepared for HOW HARD marriage and parenting can be, even with a very loving husband and children. Kathy, your masterful weaving of scripture throughout your writing creates a beautiful tapestry of wise spiritual inspiration that is so relevant to our struggles with managing anger in a way that maintains peace and harmony in our communities. Your depth of scripture knowledge is astounding and I wish I had had such a loving Christian education in my Catechism classes throughout Catholic school. I found great wisdom in dealing with my anger issues from Thich Nhat Hanh’s, Buddhist monk, work: Being Peace. I learned to not be angry with myself for feeling the anger which often resulted in suppressing emotions without working through them. I continue to try to master Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching: to feel the anger, acknowledge it, figure out its source (most often a sense of disrespect and/or criticism) and then act in a way that maintains harmony and peace in my community. This is the practice of Mindfulness or Emotional Alchemy. I know perfecting this process will take a lifetime. I know that being tired, stressed and out of balance decreases my abilities to do this. I am needing to rewire my brain because as a girl and teenager, when I challenged my mother it was met with a slap to the face and/or the statement from her that “you are too sensitive.” Rarely did I experience acknowledgment that my emotions were valid. So to cope, I learned to suppress anger and true emotion…..in so doing, I have had much work to do to learn how to express myself in a loving constructive way with my husband and sons when I SEE RED. One of my mantras I use during meditation to remind me of the sacredness of our speech is from The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz…..before I speak …I try to go through the checklist of speaking with integrity: 1) Is it True? 2) Is it Kind? 3) Is it Helpful? 4) Is it Necessary? Again, I love the scriptures that Kathy has shared. I also love Susan’s EGR (Extra Grace Required)acronym. I am grateful everyday because I have felt blessed with GRACE throughout my life. This grace continues to give me faith and hope that I can continue to improve on my path to create a more harmonious and peaceful world. And now going through the challenges of my 18 year old son’s emerging into manhood, I know I need to increase my EGR quotient exponentially. What an incredible exercise in humility is motherhood! Kathy, your beautiful blog provides a great salve for the hurts along the way and I am so grateful for you and your wonderful commenters.
I’m deeply touched by your comment, Theresa — your depth, searching, honesty, the stories that you share, and your gracefulness warms my heart. What a blessing you are. I know Being Peace and Thich Nat Han’s beautiful writings on anger. For someone who lived through the Vietnam War, his words have deep meaning. Yes, scripture offers amazing instruction on anger, I turn to such scripture over and over again..writing them on my heart. It’s taken years, after never learning about the Bible–like you– in my Catholic childhood, that it actually is truly a supernatural wisdom and grace illustrated by fascinating stories of God intervening in real life — with people who went through all the same messes we go through, all the same temptations, grieving, etc. I also love studying it with other women. It’s taken years of study and wrestling through it to realize it’s power, the stories of life in action we can learn from and be transformed by. The issues that are most difficult for me about anger are that triggers are unconscious–ways we’ve been raised with anger, punishment, being criticized, disrespected, hurts submerged that flare up later when they’ve been poked..the story you’ve described about your mom, how painful, and how I know this well. “You are too sensitive”..rather than, what a beautiful gift that you are sensitive!!! I heard that, too–“too deep”, “too sensitive”. We were never enough, we got too many slaps in the face! When these inner wounds are triggers, when we see RED (love that!) is when I turn to prayer, bringing my pain and weaknesses to light where the power of the Holy Spirit can help us. We need supernatural ‘surgery’ in a sense! When you say you didn’t realize “HOW HARD marriage and parenting can be, even with a very loving husband and children” we all so relate!!! I think anywhere intimacy begins, so will all our ‘stuff’ rise to the surface..ultimately for healing. But it’s messy, ugly, hard, sometimes. But easier when we share the realities together! And when we have husbands and children who love us despite our challenges. And yes, ALL throughout marriage and parenting, (especially teen years) we need the “EGR quotient exponentially” (Love this!) When we have God at the center of our lifes, at the center of our marriages and family, we aren’t alone..we can turn to God for wisdom, strength, curling up at the feet of Christ like a child where we are love no matter what.