I cannot ignore the fact gray, thin, spiked hairs popped out on my temples. They’re fine like baby’s hair, except of course they’re not since they’re definitely gray, or more accurately, white. There’s a few more framing my face. This is a first.
My husband told me a friend gave him a Christmas present — a framed photo of us from a wedding we attended. But he didn’t show me because we looked old.
I never really felt old before until these last months. Yes, the dreadful hot flashes and foggy brain ended. At first I felt exalted because the havoc of menopause finally halted, until I realized with it went my firm skin. Thin, wrinkly, saggy, sad skin hangs from my biceps and lower belly I’d never seen before. You have to understand. This is not normal. I have to understand, it is. You would hardly notice. But, you see, although my eyesight is also fading, when I look in the mirror, I have microscopic vision. Every brown spot, wrinkle and sag miraculously magnifies.
My son graduated high school this past June. Being involved in both his theater department and many performances, along with driving him to rehearsals and performances for some professionals shows after school for so many years, I had little time for self-pampering, which means I didn’t notice the gray hairs. A while back I did notice the tiny turkey neck forming under my chin like a little hammock, but being busy, I didn’t give it too much thought. But I also didn’t notice how it was quietly stretching, hanging lower. It’s much looser. You probably wouldn’t notice unless you were on the look out like I am now, with binoculars and all.
I didn’t know I’d feel so isolated and aimless after he graduated without the attending to the parenting roles that dominated my life. Who knew the career I left years ago as a television producer would be taken over by millennial video magicians, and I’d feel like a stegosaurus in what once was my business. I also wasn’t thinking about my age. I gave birth to my son at 40 years old, so with the pending empty nest most mom’s face when their children graduate high school, I’m also facing I’m turning 60 years old this year. What? How did that happen? The birthday’s flew by. I wasn’t counting. I was too busy. I actually forgot each year how old I was, and never admitted that was part of the brain drop-outs of menopause.
Why, you ladies older than me, why didn’t you tell me all these things I’d be facing? Did you pass these phases gracefully, or did you fret when you looked in the mirror that moment you noticed you had seriously aged? Did you get on the computer and research skin tightening creams, or did you quietly make an appointment for Botox or Juvederm treatments? Did you read that black molasses can restore gray hair to your original color, or is that a bunch of baloney? Did your body changes happen ‘overnight’, or did you chart their course over time? Was there a point you finally accepted your bodily decline?
All I know, for those of you I have in mind, with your silver hair and soft skin with wrinkles, your loose necks and full bodies, that you look so beautiful. Those of you I think of, you walk before me like graceful queens, always well-dressed and confident, engaged in the world, sharing wisdom, comfortable in your skin, giving back, guiding the poor and those in need, so selfishly. You’re enjoying your grandchildren and travels, not so bogged down by your adult children’s lives or worries. You’re healthy boundary hunters, knowing when to say no, and yes, leaving co-dependency in your wake. You move and have your being with God as your source, and there’s a lightness in your step.
I’m considering you more closely now, wanting to learn the rhythms of your grace. I won’t look too closely though, where I suspect in the sacred pauses of your life, you question and ponder the promises of eternal life. I’m not there, not ready to go that far. But I will continue to admire you.
I spoke with my mother-in-law yesterday about how I feel I neglected myself in some ways during motherhood. Yes, I always dressed nicely and took decent care of myself during motherhood as compared to many women I know, but my focus shifted mostly to my family, where I did ‘just enough’ to look ‘good enough’. I exercised, ate vegetables, and bought designer clothes from second-hand stores so I had more to provide more for my son. So, I told my mother-in-law, I cleaned out my closets yesterday as a way to ‘bring in the new’. I made a decision I’d take better care of myself. Green drinks everyday. Better skin care. New clothes. She shared how she looked at a photo of herself with her grandchildren on my brother-in-law’s shelf, and how awful she thought she looked, her chin skin hanging. And then she said, ‘But, I realized at some point, who cares. It doesn’t really matter.”
I’m annoyed with myself I care so much. I’m deeply spiritual, afterall. Yet, I’m also a victim of confusing, distorting, misleading messages about beauty I’ve absorbed over my lifetime–messages that invade our subconscious minds without our permission. Far too many of us have subsequently adopted distorted self images and hunger for perfection. We bought into the lies about the aging process and the promised fountain of youth. We’ve forgetton the mind of the flesh is a sort of death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace. We forgot aging, at it’s best, is wisdom blooming as our bodies downshift.
At some point I guess, we realize, it doesn’t matter. Age happens. Nature wins. We realize in the core of our brittle-prone bones that God is sufficient. I’m not saying a a nip and a tuck or shot of Botox is necessarily a bad thing, we all like to look our best. But our best starts with the glow from within of God shining through. Of the gratefulness for our lives, and deepening relationships. For those who age well, loving others, gratefulness, good health and the fruits of the spirit blooming from beneath our skin matters more than our skin’s elasticity. As Anne Lamott says it best, Joy is the best make-up.
At some point, we finally let go and let nature take its beautiful course. Hair dyeing becomes a nuisance. Silver hair with crimson lipstick, and a lovely scarf look divine. Or we still dye our hair, but we do because we want a little more color, that’s all, like blush on the cheeks. Then we let aging take it’s course like a tree growing higher toward the heavens. Standing tall in our beautiful aging bodies, we walk like ever-poised gazelles through the rest of our lives, following in the footsteps of Sarah, Ruth and Mary, mother of Jesus and all the women who went before us with a few sags and grays, who lived through menopause, and miracles.
He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. – Book of Ruth 4:15
I will still be carrying you when you are old. Your hair will turn gray, and I will still carry you. I made you, and I will carry you to safety. – Isaiah 46:4
Wisdom belongs to the aged, and understanding to the old. -Job 12:2
Those that be planted in the house of the LORD shall flourish in the courts of our God..They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing. -Psalm 92:12-14
WE LOVE YOUR COMMENTS!
This was awesome!! I am 51 and still can’t figure out if I’m pre-menopausal, post-menopausal or not-menopausal lol. I have some signs for sure but then not others.
But seriously this really helped!!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone!!
I love it Diane! I think you’re right about the menopause thing..I do still get those flashes and sweats where I have to rip off my flannel pj top! We need each other!
Oh my goodness, how I LOVE this post! I’m 51 and not aging well. I try to take care, but years of the more unpleasant parts of raising kids with disabilities (mostly caused by others and not the kiddos), have aged me more than I’d like. But here’s one tip to looking younger you missed:
Smiling! I have always hated my smile. It’s an over the top, ridiculous, makes babies smile but sometimes I look nuts smile. But I kind of have a droopy face. So if I don’t smile, I naturally look miserable. And how can I show the joy God’s put in my heart looking miserable? This, then, is how God got me to smile. Well, that and the fact that babies LOVE my smile. No kidding. Any sad/frowny kid, have him look at me smiling and he will crack up.
And that’s a God thing I can live with no matter how droopy the rest of me gets!
Thanks for visiting Gina!! I love your comment! Especially the SMILING and how babies love your smile. That is a Godly response! We are so hard on ourselves, but babies remind us what’s important! And I bet you light up the room when you smile! I realize how so many of us in this age range do not have much support for the sudden shifts in our lives and bodies, so hearing such beautiful tips makes me smile!! Thanks for your joyful share!!!
Loved this. So right there. Find a new crease or crevice weekly…maybe daily. Who knows? I’m trying not to give into being negative about aging, for it is truly a blessing. Enjoyed your humor and candor:) Linking with you today and enjoying another visit to your wonderful blog.
So love your visit and encouragement Ginger, and especially love your way of viewing aging as a blessing..which it should be! Look forward to connecting again, too! Blessings!
It’s true—all these things happen. BUT—-what if it wasn’t bad? What if we realized that getting old is fabulous and these issues are nothing more than bumps in the road.
I belong to a FB group called Going Grey Gracefully, and one woman was saying her mom thinks her grey hair makes her look old. And it got me thinking—why is that bad? Why do we consider getting old and these little nuances a bad thing?
Obviously I’m fighting a no-win battle with most people, but I’m at least hoping I can get myself to enjoy every ounce of life I have left!!
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jodie, I love this..love the reframing of the distorted messages we’ve adopted in our culture! I love your hopeful, zest for living life fully and not missing a moment by battling with the forces of nature that we can never win! Your a true inspiration!
This is funny and so true. I just wrote an article Is this really my body after 40? I’m 49 and I think some of the changes just come and you don’t even see it coming. My biggest issue is menopause. It seems like every woman I ask says the same thing, “oh I had a hysterectomy, I didn’t have any of that stuff.” Well, that’s no help at all. haha
Thanks Dawn,..we are all in this together! I’ll look forward to reading your article! The menopause thing..oh yes..I thought I had dementia my memory drop outs were severe and embarrassing! Hot flashes were like fire. We don’t talk about it with one another enough, if we did maybe we could have a few laughs together! Blessings..will read your article soon!
“Standing tall in our beautiful aging bodies, we walk like ever-poised gazelles through the rest of our lives, following in the footsteps of Sarah, Ruth and Mary, mother of Jesus and all the women who went before us with a few sags and grays, who lived through menopause, and miracles.” How I love this line, and this whole post. My hair started greying in my late 30’s (a genetic thing in my family) and have been watching my neck recently! Interestingly, I am reading Anne Lamont’s book “Grace” and the essay titled “A field theory of beauty,” just this morning and loved her line “it is an inside job.” I so agree and aspire to those graceful women that are older than me radiating a confidence and ease they have earned.
Thank you Lynn..so glad you related to our Old Testament sisters..I think of them often! And all you beautiful women I’m surrounded by in my life. You are a blessing and beautiful in all ways! I haven’t heard of Anne Lamott’s book Grace..will look for it..but so right “it is an inside job!”
Loved this post! I’m definitely entering menopause at 49. The signs are becoming apparent. I appreciated your perspective….the struggle to look the way we’ve always looked with firm skin and whatnot and to age well. Not just physically but spiritually. In all of this, I love how you look to the beauty of aging…the wisdom gleaned, the being comfortable in your own skin, and the grace that can come as we age. You’ve given me some good things to begin preparing my own framework as I enter the next phase of life.
Thank you Jeanne, so much appreciate your comment,that you hold both the challenging and the redeeming messages of aging to prepare for the next phase of your life! So lovely to have you come by!
What an authentic account of aging in this youth oriented culture. Those of us living in Southern California also have the influence of Hollywood “must look perfect” culture close in our midst. At age 56, how I miss the affects of natural estrogen on my skin. I see younger women with their pregnant bellies or running after toddlers and admire their beautiful smooth firm skin. At the same time, I am incredibly grateful that I survived that phase of motherhood and now see my sons thriving as adult men. I wonder where that energy came from in those young years of motherhood. Full disclosure, I used to judge women who had “work” done on their faces…..and now…..I am ready to admit that a little Botox goes a long way to restoring a more youthful, less stressed out looking face. At this phase of menopause, I felt justified to have my face reflect the youthful spirit that I still hold. I know this concern about my outward appearance is superficial AND YET still enjoy it when people say I look too young to be a grandmother. I also know that each line on my face is a reminder of my journey through life with smiles, laughter, scowls, furrowed brow, fun in the sun, studious focus and concentration. I prefer the laughter and smile lines and hope to embrace all lines equally …..maybe in my late 60s. I am grateful that I have a husband, Divine Mother and Father who love my face no matter its landscape.
Thanks Theresa for you comment, yes Hollywood so nearby seems to influence all of us in So Cal. Thank you for your dislosure, I love
your honesty and self-care, I think we each find ways to perk ourselves up, as you say to match the way we feel!
SOOOO Right On ! Thank U for making me smile and say Amen!
My mom had a note on her make up mirror that said “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
It was a great reminder she said to express Love and be Love and of course
see Love !
PS Just FYI -I would describe you as a Blessed beauty for sure! All the good you think helps what God gave You
Xo Susu
Amen girlfriend! I love you mom, what a beautiful lesson she gave you. Thank you for your lovely words. I feel so blessed to have such
wonderful women like you as friends!
Oh dear! I’m a little bit scared…. Not looking forward to to the hot flashes and memory loss at all. Can I just skip to the “gracefully aged” part? Your humour made this such a fun post to read.
Hi, Kathy! What a fun post and honest look at aging! I love how you summed it all up … graceful aging is following in the footsteps of those who have gone before us … Sarah, Ruth and Mary. So happy to have met you!
thanks so much Dianne, I had fun with the post, it helps me make sense of all the changes and love all you women who visited and commented! Blessings!
I cannot believe you are turning 60. I just can’t! You look so YOUNG!! And I mean it. I’m not just saying it because I adore you and you just wrote about all the aging changes in your appearance. LOL
I have many friends nearing 60- and I still cannot fathom that they are- because they are so beautiful. They look amazingly young and I wouldn’t for a minute think they were a day more than 40.
60 is the new 40 right? Or is it the other way around? I’m not hip enough to know. My age is showing… lol
I don’t feel like I’m turning 50. Isn’t it weird? I forget I am aging- I mean I physically remember every single day that I ache more and tire easily… but my mindset feels young still, and I feel immature in many ways. I think I froze developmentally somewhere between teens and 20’s. 🙂
When motherhood began, I slacked ALL the time and I continue to slack on my appearance… going with bare necessities, nice n easy, and my own nail clippers/polish and drug store make up-and suave shampoo to save a buck. And yet, like you I have that magical microscope when I look in the mirror and I cringe at the changes- the lines and wrinkles and oh the GREY HAIR IS EVERYWHERE. It is what it is. Sigh…
I love the grace you wrap this all around- and the beauty that you embrace in others seasoned and wise in life. I see those beautiful women too, and they inspire me. I hope I’m like them when I grow up. I LOVED that quote from Ann Lamott. PERFECT!
you are precious! I surely feel 40 sometimes, and do have good hearty Italian genes which helps somewhat, takes a few ages off..you are not turning 50!! That’s what happened to me..I was not paying attention about my age at all..especially with kids, they keep us plenty distracted! Bottom line, I think we’re both blessed we are young at heart..and love life..all the gray hairs and lines and all..they eventually blend in together into a beautiful mosaic. I was so struck by the Botox older women’s faces at the Academy Awards..I think naturally aging women have a special wisdom that shines through and lines and wrinkles are stories they carry on their face..Love your commment!! I have a big smile on my face. You’ll be one of those women..no doubt!!!!