It’s raining here in San Diego early Sunday morning. Mighty fierce clouds painted varying shades of gray cover the sky. The palm trees out my bedroom window look like tiny umbrellas silhouetting the sky.
I retreat into morning silence, a gift of pause in our busy world. This unusual, wet, windy, stormy May weekend morning offers a dramatic plot twist, upsetting our beach hike plans. I think of Dorothy in Kansas, Hunk crying out, it’s a twister, it’s a twister, the wild winds whipping, Dorothy scooping Toto into her arms. My cat, paws tucked under his chest, warms my thighs. Even though spring is around the corner, I’ve kept three blankets on my bed, their warm heaviness now cutting the morning chill.
The TV is on downstairs, this is how my husband unwinds, so unlike my style which means hibernating in bed with a book. For years it annoyed me, but love in marriage has a way of beckoning acceptance. Love creates an alchemy within our opposites, like coal transforming into gold. Or, we compromise. I’ve accepted his strange TV meditation, as long as the sound is lowered to a threshold that doesn’t intrude on my ‘silence’. I’ve learned to block out the dull background TV noise, or I scream out ‘lower it’ when crashing, clanging sounds and music TV penetrate my nerves. My nerves serve as my threshold’s thermometer. It’s important in marriage to know our boiling points. He knows to lower the sound just right so it sinks into oblivion. Marriage calls for compromise from both sides.
Our 19-year old son is on a cross-country road trip. This is our first weekend in several weeks he’s not at home on the weekend. I feel the discomfort of too much space that’s all ours, empty of the typical teenage energy like tornadoes sweeping through the house. The stark echo of the empty nest visits this morning like a foreign ghost.
He turns the television off and comes upstairs. He’s like a rat in a cage, his body rhythm still revved up from his forty hour plus work week, along with at least twelve hours added of travel time in traffic. My heart sinks, how hard he works for the family. I’m like my purring cat curled into the corner of my bed. He wants to go out for coffee, what we planned before our hike. I assumed because of the dramatic plot twist of rain in San Diego, and that he brought me up a cup of rich brewed coffee earlier, we silently agreed we’d have coffee at home.
I’m enjoying the song of the rain.
One thing my husband always says about a good marriage is that we need to stretch. We need to stretch when we don’t feel like doing what our spouse needs. It’s like this in all good relationships and even friendships. I know I should be flexible like the palm trees in the wind, offer him the gift of stretching and get out of bed to go with him for coffee at a cafe. My mind goes to how I’d rather do yoga this morning.
Before I attempt getting up from under the warm covers, he says, ‘you should have made me coffee’. He’s really cranky. I bite my tongue. Suddenly a beam of light comes through the window, a break in the storm. I think how its typical of him to make me coffee in the morning, and not make enough for himself. I brush off his remark. He leaves the room. Silence fills the house. Then the rain comes again pounding on my window.
I check in with myself about my morning selfishness. Getting out of bed, I’m now ready to give him what he needs, an outing at the cafe. After getting dressed and making the bed, when I’m brushing my teeth, he comes bouncing upstairs like Tigger, filled with a caffeinated happiness, a cup of Starbucks in his hand. I wondered why the house was so quiet, I assumed he was tidying the garage, another strange way he unwinds. But he snuck out and went to the cafe. “I apologize”, he says. “I should have made myself a cup of coffee earlier. I’m working on that”. He’s referring to working on neglecting his own needs, how he cares for everyone else and forgets himself.
We decide to take a beach walk, even in the rain. By the time we get out of the house, the rain has cleared. It’s a glorious walk on our favorite beach against the unusual and chilly wind. The waves roll fierce one after another pounding the shoreline. Under the cloudy gray sky of many gray tones, it all feels so dramatic and romantic. We thank God for this day. I grab his hand.
We love your comments and hearing ways you stretch with those you love – in a marriage, relationship or friendship?
” love in marriage has a way of beckoning acceptance. ” I love this post so much!! You have a way with words and imagery. I felt like I was there!
Thank you for your kind words Megan!! So blessed by them!
This was lovely. Marriage truly is about give and take. Sharing. Sensitivity to the feelings of our spouse. Above all to be able to say “Im sorry.” And then keep going… TOGETHER! Thanks for sharing this story. I know it will bless others.
Blessings,
Rosie Williams
http://www.nuggetsfromtheheart.com
thank you so much for your words Rosie! I’m sorry is so key, as well as forgiving!
XOXOXOXOXOXO that sounds so beautiful. I can only dream of a day like that!
Keeping the faith through the hard times is the most difficult and yet strengthening foundation of our marriage. I know you are deepening your faith Leah and that God will continue to guide you!
Ahhhh Loveliness. Rain. Coffee. Holding hands. And all the precious (heart)beats inbetween.
what a treat to hear from you Dorry Bless!
So well written. I could feel the emotions roll out so easily.
thank you Alice for your encouraging words!
Hi Kathy. Beautifully written, as usual. I look forward to reading your posts.
I smiled when at the TV bit since that is also something that my husband is drawn to. Whenever we check into a hotel he has to turn on the TV. “I’m just checking the weather.” He knows that I prefer not to have the TV as background noise, so it gets turned off in due time. In earlier marriage years I would have (and probably did) rail against the intrusion of the TV. In time, he has learned to moderate the amount that he watches, and I have learned to accept his pleasure in it and even share in it for a few favorite shows.
Giving each other space and acceptance are such blessings in relationship, as are the sharing of times together. Weekends can be a time of laying down weekday responsibilities and personal agendas to share time together. Sometimes the transition is slightly jarring for me – I am intrinsically selfish, it seems, but as I release myself to my other I am left refreshed in spirit. My husband draws me to a different rest, one that is wrapped up in love, perhaps like the rest that God gives us.
Diane your words inspire me! Thank you!! It’s a true blessing of a good marriage that we find a place of compromise in our differences! I’m giggling about the hotel TV story..I carry my trusty ear plugs in case. For so long I felt hotels should not have TVs! I just love these words you write.. “My husband draws me to a different rest, one that is wrapped up in love, perhaps like the rest that God gives us.” Beautiful! You blessed my day Diane!
I literally did that “Aw!!!” sigh all by myself here in the quiet home alone as I read this beautiful and oh so precious story! OH friend, this warmed my heart so much. I LOVED that you opened up the curtains for us all to take a look inside your bedroom… hmm. HA! Ahem. I LOVED that you opened up your curtains for us all to take a look inside your morning (yeah, much better. lol) with your dear husband. How I adored his shift in conviction and buying you coffee.
Just learning how you held onto grace, stretched in patience, and he stepped forward in honest contemplation and conviction- shows such beauty in what love should be. You have taught such a valuable lesson in marriage here, Kathy. And because of you BOTH stretching… you both chose best for one another.
What a perfect scene to end on. A romantic walk on the beach… as the storms cleared.
My gosh, it doesn’t get any better than that. Cue the music, light the set, let the camera roll! You guys have a movie scene in the making!! And it’s a good one- glorious and FULL of what everyone needs to watch. <3
you are so adorable! A peak into the bedroom..Ahhem! I think when we bite our tongues it gives our partners and spouses (or anyone for that matter) a chance to reflect on their own behaviors..of course it’s taking years to learn this! Love your movie analogy!You are precious!
Happy Mother’s Day Holy Vacation Queens. I finally have time to respond to Kathy’s precious and intimate sharing of challenging moments in marriage. How heartwarming to read about your beloved’s reflection on his curt coffee comment with an apology. Brava to Kathy for not responding to the comment and giving her husband space and time to realize he was displacing his frustrations. Gorgeous!!! Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. My dear husband shared with me that 29 years ago was the best day of his life because he made the best choice of his life in marrying me. I was verklempt and thanked him for his patience and forgiveness of my sharp tongue of which he took the brunt during our phase of marriage where I had anger re: wife and mom managing the domestic front in addition to my professional life as a young mother. I thanked him for ALWAYS supporting my dreams and hus acceptance for “all of me.” It is so clear to me now as my baby boy prepares to head off to university life that in the end it is my marriage relationship that is the most enduring and requires as much tender loving care as I put into my role as mother. With the maturing of my marriage, I am dedicated to speaking and behaving with great love and respect……even when I am annoyed. The symbol of the stepping on the glass at Jewish wedding ceremonies is a perfect reminder of the delicateness of the marriage relationship. Thank you Kathy for inspiring me to take time to reflect on the importance of my marriage on my anniversary and for being an example of a loving wife. Love you💜
Happy Anniversary celebrating 29 years of marriage! I love your dear husband’s words and love, and your precious thankfulness for
your shortcomings.. isn’t it amazing how a good marriage can absorb all our weaknesses and help transform them.. the mystery of marriage! Love your tender comment, and dedication to marriage and the deep meaning of this sacred bond! Happiest Anniversary to two very special people!
Such a pretty piece. And the ending tying altogether perfectly with the entwining of hands.
thanks so much Lynn. Sometimes when I’m not sure of what to write, I just write..that was one of those!