After working on demanding projects during my early career as a freelance television producer, and more recent years as an independent documentary producer, I’ve needed frequent vacations and significant downtime before starting another project.
These necessary periods of retreating seemed frivolous and even dangerous to my family and relatives with strict work ethics and more ‘normal’ jobs. When I saw my aunt at a cousin’s wedding, after not seeing her for years, the first thing she said with her typical bull-doggish sneer was, “Are you working? You know you really need to get a job.” Before wandering off, she let me know my cousins, her daughters, all gainfully employed, worked very hard – and did I know, my oldest cousin owns a successful business now?
Wondering in a fog through the crowd of wedding guests, I saw a group of these work horse cousins chatting away, glamorous in their gowns, pearls, and pumps, with perfectly highlighted hair.
After that evening, vowing to be more normal and successful, I set new goals to land ongoing work for national television programs. Manifesting back to back projects that lasted for years with ABC, NBC, Discovery Channel, and HBO, I kept up a rigorous pace until I collapsed on 42nd Street on the way to work after traveling around the country for months on a demanding project.
As an ambulance rushed me to the emergency room, I was sure I was dying (my soul was for sure), but after doing the normal examination, the emergency room doctor assured me I had a panic attack –which is probably as frightful as a massive heart attack.
Eventually, I moved from New York City to San Francisco for a slower paced life, where I did freelance work, and started producing independent documentaries which allowed more freedom to make my own schedule.
After marrying and becoming a mother, my need for downtime increased as motherhood lured me into it’s womb. During a stretch of time I wasn’t working, another relative called to touch base. When my husband answered the phone, the relative inquired about what (not how) I was doing. When my husband shared that I was taking a break, the relative said, “Oh, she’s always been such a vacation queen”.
The spiteful remark felt like a knife in my side. To him, I was simply lazy. I felt deeply hurt and misunderstood. Being labeled a vacation queen meant that all my hard work growing my career, even producing a successful documentary, never existed. The label inferred that living to the beat of my own rhythm was wrong, inadequate, abnormal.
I surely wasn’t living a fairytale life, traveling the world, relaxing in a private beach estate in St. Tropez with butlers serving caviar and exotic cheeses while the nanny rocked my son to sleep.
Being labeled a vacation queen plunged me into questioning the heart of my true identity, but not without questioning my sanity. Was there something wrong with me? Why did I need so much down time? Why did I isolate myself for long periods?
It took years before I journaled through the pain of my relative’s lingering comment. As I lay in bed with pen and journal in hand preparing to write, a haunting image floated into my mind — a muted image of the face of a young, anguished girl below a cloudy sheetrock of think ice, pounding her small fists against the icy wall.
Horrified, I scribbled, “Who are you? What do you want?”
A meek, muffled voice cried out, “I need air, help me out.”
But in a moment she was gone. The bathroom door closed, my husband was getting ready for work.
For days afterward, I thought about this image, this young girl. I knew she was a part of me, and I had a dire need to reach her.
I imagined her like a mute child tugging at my shirt sleeve, pulling me into the depths of a dark forest toward a mystery destination, a place I wouldn’t dread.
I felt an urgency to rescue her from behind the icy depths. The realization of her significance took my breath away. I knew she’d change me, twist me into another shape and form, make me more whole.
Another day, I’m determined to approach her through journaling, hoping my pen will melt through the wall’s icy hardness. I’ve learned dialoguing with our inner voices and images are powerful journaling techniques to reach disjointed parts of ourselves.
“Tell me, who you are?” I ask.
“It’s me”, she whispers.
I hear now the voice of myself as a child, the sensitive little girl buried so long ago. Breathing deeper, I give her much needed air.
How beautiful that the word spiritus in Latin means breath. I hadn’t taken such a deep breath in years. How holy and pious I was as a child, immersed in the great expansive security of God, the God I knew before religion, before words. I imagined myself going into a dark, cold, shut-off part of my soul, and taking her hand.
I sense her small hand grabbing mine, my heart opening so wide it hurts –the ache that happens when truth opens wide it’s doors.
As I continued writing, I recalled shameful feelings of inadequacy, the loneliness I felt as a child when my family members told me I was too sensitive and too deep. Why did I cry so often? I wanted to be understood then, to have someone explain why I felt different. I remembered how misjudged I felt when my relative called me a vacation queen. Why did I need more downtime than anyone I knew? Reflecting on just how hard I had worked in my career, even if I didn’t always keep up a typical work pace, I also realized some of the time I wanted recognition.
I wrote, “Where can I find a place of rest for my soul, to be okay just living and breathing without doing, without a title, without a to-do-list of achievements. Can I just rest in knowing I am a child of God? And rest in the arms of this mighty love, in the true deliverer of our callings, the revealer of our true selves?”
I wrote about my pious yearnings in childhood, the hours spent immersed in the quiet holy moments in my bedroom playing alone, comforted by the presence of God, of angels.
Breathing deeply again, I returned to the comfort of Jesus’ agape love I found in my Big Dream, a love that has weaved threads of holiness – wholeness — into the mysterious tapestry of my life.
Michelangelo said, “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”.
Pondering, I sketched an image of glimmering crown beaming with rays of light in my journal.
Ah, I thought, holy vacation queen. Whole, Godly, at rest, and true to myself.
The thick wall of ice between me and the holy child I abandoned so long ago melted. She grabbed my hand tight.
I realized the burnout that held me captive much of my career was the exhaustion of a world I couldn’t keep step with. My ravenous need for downtime has always been a hungering for reclaiming my true self, the holy child, the knowing I am a child of God.
Jesus says, “Knock on the door and it will be opened, Seek and you shall find”.
The holy child knocked and knocked, and the door opened.
“The most tremendous thing in the world is for people to find that door–the door to God. People die outside that door, as starving beggars die on cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winder—die for want of what is in their grasp. Others live, on the other side of it, live because they have found it”. –Celtic Prayer Book
What about you? Have you, like me, struggled to find your true self?
We love your comments!
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Oh, how this resonates with me! Yes, I need so much downtime. And is there such a thing as TOO sensitive and TOO deep? Now in the latter part of my 50’s, I am beginning to get to know the real me. Praise God! Beautiful post! Visiting today from Testimony Tuesday.
Love your comment Ellen! No there is no such thing as TOO sensitive/TOO deep! It took me so many years to realize (too in my 50s) that these are my strengths..I’m sure they are yours too!!Thank you for your encouragement and your beautiful, rich blogs..
Oh, goodness. You are speaking to me. Being currently “unemployed” in the world has allowed me to lean into God’s goodness and presence. But I wasn’t expecting to struggle with my identity without a job outside the home. Your words are timely for me today, and I appreciate them more than you know right now. Thank you for sharing your story, and allowing me to peer into some of your life. Love the title of your blog, now that I understand where it came from! God bless you, and may He continue to guide you in your writing! I’m your neighbor at #RaRaLinkup.
Isn’t it a blessing when we can share our hearts and speak on a deep level about such real issues — I know God will use this ‘unemployment’ for a greater purpose..for me the needed downtime has always been necessary to do deep work in the world when God shows me it’s time. With our identity as children of God, we can bloom from the plans God has planned for us! sending blessings!
Oh, my!! This is so powerful and hits me right where I have been and, hopefully, have come a long way from. I tried to “fit in” most of my young and adult life. I did not want to be different until I came to Christ. In knowing Him and who I am in Him, I am becoming more familiar with the me that God created. And I am so much happier and pleased with this woman.
Thank you for your encouraging words. And so grateful that you are my neighbor at Intentional Tuesdays.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Dear Linda..it’s so lovely to have you visit, and so grateful today’s blog spoke to you. I’m deeply touched by how Christ helps
us to love and embrace ourselves..your words speak beautifully to this amazing grace!!! I’m so happy to know you..will visit your blog
too..my first post on Intentional Tuesdays..Will be there now each week! Blessings Linda!
I so needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your journey!
So happy it spoke to you Janet! So many of us experience similar..we’re not alone after all!
Beautiful story, not because it is all pretty in a box with a bow on top…but because it is a message that is trying to burst out of that box. God rested. On the 7th day, He rested. He commanded the Israelites to rest. The constant churning of our society is not a thing of God and, just like it destroyed your health, it is destroying the health of our country. My heart goes out to you for the pain that other’s expectations of you caused, I know how hard it is to let your true self out where it can be judged. But it is SO WORTH IT! Keep it up girl.
Ahh yes, so wise Sarah, the constant churning of our society is not a thing of God–and how it takes a toll on health and
the well-being of society. Thank you for your heartfelt encouragement, it’s been a journey to rise from other’s judgements and the brainwashing of society’s idea of what success means. Love your comment and appreciate the wisdom you share!
Kathy, I too have often struggled with my own pace. I compare myself to others and feel diminished in their light. Then I remember God created me and has a pace just for me. Thank you, Kathy, for sharing your heart and journey at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Hi Crystal, I’m so glad you visited and that my story spoke to you. I’m finding there’s more of us than I thought! But as Sarah Koontz commented on this thread, the pace of our world’s striving is not God’s way! I’m so touched to hear that knowing you’re a child of God has helped you
accept the wonder of who you are! So grateful for the linkup and look forward to being part of this wonderful group! And eager to read more of your blogs, too!
Many times I’ve wondered “why” I’m such a weepy, emotional gal. Sounds as though I’m not alone. (Your transparency is beautiful, by the way.) I’ve finally come to grips that it’s God’s handiwork, and there’s nothing finer than acknowledging the wonderful work of our Creator’s hand, even when it’s in one’s self. Especially in one’s self. Praising Him today for His handiwork in YOU. Loved visiting you today via #tellHisstory.
Dearest Kristi, I love weepy, emotional gals! I think of Jesus crying over Lazarus .. and how we’re made in the image of God.
Thank you so much for your encouragement about my transparency, and thank you for yours! It’s a blessing to share vulnerabilities — to know we in God’s eyes these aren’t even vulnerabilities, they’re just parts of who we are, made from God’s handiwork — and that we’re not alone! Love you visiting today! Look forward to connecting again!
This is a great post! I feel that the Lord has created us each differently and with specific needs and we need to rest in Him that He knew what He was doing when He created us. Because we are all fearfully and wonderfully made.
Thank you Tona, you say it so well..we are each created differently, and for God’s purpose! Thank you for reminding us of this truth! Love having you visit!
My dear Kathy: How painful to endure your aunt’s harsh judgement that comes from a place of lack of understanding of what is spiritually important. Your aunt AND many Americans suffer from what the Buddhist tradition has a great term to describe: “the state of maya”. The Sanskrit meaning of Maya is “illusion” and “magic”. In Indian philosophies, Maya is a spiritual concept connoting “that which exists, but is constantly changing and thus is spiritually unreal”, and the “power or the principle that conceals the true character of spiritual reality”. Your story reminded me of a wonderful pearl that a brother at my temple gave to us during a Sunday service. He said: “Do you really believe that the Divine put us souls on this planet to merely work, bring home a paycheck, eat, sleep and raise a family?” His message that those souls that focus on only those aspects of life are miss the main reason that we are here. This truth is so eloquently stated in the Celtic Prayer you included in your post: “The most tremendous thing in the world is for people to find the door-the door to
God.” I often wonder why the Divine places so many obstructions for us to find the door. Then, I remember, all we have to do is take the time to sit in silence (anywhere) and connect with our soul which then connects us to the Divine. I also have come to realize that one of my biggest obstructions from taking this Divine time is the “endless to do list” which is connected to an “addiction to perfection.” This addiction to perfection tells me that I will be more worthy of Divine Time if I get all the tasks done. My great work now in my 5th decade is rewiring my brain to remember that the “to do list” pales in comparison to the importance of “the divine time”. When I take the divine time, “the to do list” is reassembled and reprioritized in much healthier and balanced ways. Kathy…..you are a huge inspiration on how to put that sacred time aside which is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING we can do in this lifetime. Maybe one day your aunt will learn from you. Much love and gratitude.
Thank you dear Theresa for your words of compassion, and other ways of thinking about the illusions of the world that take us so far from God. I I don’t think God want us to have such distractions — for us to get attached to the world– but for us to surrender. To surrender our illusions and attachments with the worldly ways. I love Jesus’ words, “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? ” Surely, the pearl your friend gave is so true..we are not here to bring home a paycheck, to eat sleep and raise a family. We are here to surrender (our T0-do lists, too!), to live our lives toward becoming ‘little Christs’ shifting our gaze toward silence to hear God, to abide in the divine love, to learn the path of God’s way. I love the realizations you come to when you take sacred time, shifting your perspective to God’s perspective..how the world looks so different when we do so! I cherish your support and understanding of my aunt’s judgements and the value of my rhythms! Many blessings!!
Ah!! So THAT’S why you named your blog that! Wow. What a powerful story, my friend. I can completely relate to the judgmental voices of family members and feeling completely misunderstood, less than, unworthy.
Sigh.
You broke that ice within and liberated your captive soul!!! Now THAT’S how it’s done!
I love this story. It is so deeply touching and encouraging for us all to keep digging, tapping, breaking the ice of layers upon layers of this world that has maybe buried us deep. Your words are so profound…
“I sense her small hand grabbing mine, my heart opening so wide it hurts –the ache that happens when truth opens wide it’s doors.” <— Yes, I know this well.
Ohhh, you are such an encouragement! (A gift of yours!)..I realize I never really explained the title.. but you remind me to add a link to this blog in the ‘About’ page of my website. I know you know the judgements of family and feeling misunderstood..isn’t it beautiful though how God brings His grace to have a voice, to turn these painful things into strengths? I’m all about digging deeper, breaking the layers, and I know you are, too..it’s such a joy always to share with you Chris! Thank you for your beautiful comment. You made my day extra special. Blessings!
I can relate to this post which is beautifully written. Journalling has helped me resolve childhood hurts and touch the face of God! Thanks.
Oh thanks for visiting this older post Dottie! It was early in my blogging so I’m grateful to have you visit. Thanks for the encouragement, and yes, journaling is so helpful in resolving childhood hurts..and a place to meet God! Blessings Dottie!